Thirsty

I haven't been seeking God like I should. I have been pouting and have been a little bitter towards Him. I admit that. I totally admit it.

One thing this snow storm has done has given me the time to think and to examine where I am. I have been scared to pray. Flat scared. Flat scared that the answers I hear will not be the ones I want to hear. But, I need Jesus. I need His loving arms and His loving peace...I need it. I need it more than air...more than anything.

I would never want to disgrace my mom and dad. Ever. I would rather hurl myself off of the Grand Canyon than ever see disappointment on their face. I have always been a pleaser. I know I have disappointed my parents some, but to see them disappointed? Well, it has probably hurt and disappointed me MORE seeing that! I strive, thrive and live for being given an assignment and me returning with that assignment proficiently completed and seeing a very satisfied and pleased assignment giver in front of me. Does that make sense? I am sure I could have worded that better but it is 1 am.

Which brings me to my point....I don't want to disappoint God. I have two and a half weeks to get on the right track with Him. I have 2.5 weeks to find that water again that will satisfy every thirst I have ever had and ever will have. I have 2.5 weeks to pray and ask all the hard questions and get my heart ready for the answers. Because, by golly, I will have answers by March 1. I will have an answer to the question of our infertility. It may be YES and it very well maybe NO.

I have got to be prepared for the NO. I have got to be prepared because if not...I will be destroyed. If I am not prepared, I will always have the incurable and deadly thirst of wanting to be a mom. That deadly thirst has become an idol to me. It has been a stronghold. It has been an addiction. This struggle has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. God has put me (unwillingly, I might add) on a platform. That platform is elevated for many people to see. He has given me an assignment. I may not like how the assignment ends, but I need to hand it back to Him completed and I want to feel His glorious and approving smile on me...and hear the words, "Well done".

The spotlight is on me. I used to love the spotlight growing up...I have learned in the last 15 years that I really do not like the spotlight anymore. I truly like being in the background (seriously opposite of me in high school). But, I am in the tragic spotlight. How I act and how I react in this trial will say more about my Christian character than any other time in my life. You really see the true character of a person in how they act under pressure. I want every one of my actions and reactions to be PURE and BLAMELESS in His sight. If this trial ends sadly for us, I still want people to know that God is still to be glorified. I may be heartbroken, but God is still to be glorified.

I hear critics now...what an idiot! LOL, that just makes me laugh. There is a God. He is more real to me than my own reflection in a mirror. He is more real to me than the roof over my head. His peace and His comfort are just as real. They are tangible to me. Peace and comfort are normally intangible objects...but they are tangible to me...and I know many of you out there agree with me.

Pray for me in these two weeks, will you? Yes, pray that my desire would be fulfilled as a mommy. But, pray that hearts would be drawn to Jesus during this time. I can honestly say that my desire for people to be drawn to Him is greater than my desire to have a baby. That is pretty scary that I just admitted that...but it is true. In this trial, I will praise Him. In this trial, I will sing to Him. And, in this trial, my "infertility shackles" and "barren chains" will be broken...and I will be free.


Father, be glorified tonight. Be glorified and honored tonight. Let people be drawn to You during my suffering. Let them see my heart and let them feel my desperation to have you surround me and be Lord of my life. Let them feel the tangible peace and the tangible comfort that only You can give. Consume us. Let lives be changed during this time. Let people really see You through me. Don't let it be me they see...but You they see.

Facebook is toxic

Facebook is toxic. Why do I torture myself?

I saw a size of a pregnant belly tonight...and my belly should be that size...visuals are tough.

I have got to focus on this next round. If it doesn't work...wow...I don't know what I'll do. Lord, help me.

Action in the right ovary...

I think the meds are working. I hope the meds are working. My right ovary is showing signs of some twinges of pain...which is good. As of last week, my right side had the majority of the follicles...so I hope the follicles are growing so big and that there are so many of them that I am running out of room.

The shots are going OK. A friend of mine suggested me icing the spot where I stick. And, I want to hit myself up side the head and say DUH! I have never used ice on my shots but we offer that as advice to our clients who have MS because their treatments for the disease involve shots...and we suggest ICING the injection site. Ugh, stupid me.

I did ice the stick site and i didn't feel the needle or anything, but my Bravelle and Menopur really burned going in and for a few minutes afterwards...I wonder if that had anything to do with me icing the site? Who knows...it isn't terribly bad...I think the psychological stress is worse than the stick.

I am off again tomorrow due to weather. We still have about 5-6 inches on the ground. I have one full day of shots before my appointment on Thursday. I am getting anxious to see how the follicles are coming along. I need A LOT! They will measure them and see how well they are maturing as well.

Snow and Stim Shots...

First of all, the snow has been beautiful...we have enjoyed every minute of it. We got to hang out with our good friends and neighbors, Johnny Mac & Mary, and just play in the snow.

Today was the start of my stimulation shots in addition to my Lupron Microdose shots. This morning's shot was a little painful. I am getting where I am anticipating the "stick" and I hesitated a bit...ouch. So, this evening I did my Lupron shot and just had to back myself up against the wall (I've learned that helps because I can't back away from the shot...ha...the things I do to psych myself out). It wasn't too painful...I tried not to think about it.

I got a little nervous with my Bravelle and Menopur shots. The little gray vial is my starting point. It is just the solution I mix the other six vials with. The five little green vials are meds that help me grow many eggs...the little pink vial is the one that helps my eggs mature. It took me about 10 minutes to mix all the vials.


Anyway, after this shot I felt sort of bad...felt like it all went to my head and my head started hurting and I had a huge hot flash. Oh well...I am willing to do anything for this to work.

It has been 5.5 hours and my head still is hurting...even after Tylenol.

I have at least five more days of this...I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!

Anyway, here are some cute pictures from today. The boys LOVE the snow. I think we probably got about 8 inches...and we may get a few more tonight. Matt and I are going to play with the dogs tomorrow in the back yard and build another snow man...Matt said maybe even a castle! lol.

This is really happening...

Sometimes I have to pinch myself...I can't believe we are getting a second chance to do this. I am so grateful and so very thankful...

Day two is in the books now....today's shots went fine. I add the third shot tomorrow. Those are the good shots...praying for my eggs to grow...I would say pray for a lot of them...but just pray for however many God wants me to have...

Matt dropped an entire cherry sprite on my carpet....route 44 from sonic....it landed upside down. I think I got it cleaned up pretty good...I don't see a stain...thank goodness.

It's going to be a busy work week which will be good to keep my mind on other things. Looks like if it snows or ices like the weather says it might...I should be fine for my Thursday appointment.

Anyway - have a great week...I will post pictures of my shots tomorrow...

Day one in the books...

Two shots down...many more to go.

I had Lupron Microdose today...one at 8 am and one at 6 pm. I seriously didn't feel the needle at all...piece o' cake.

If this IVF cycle works...then I am One Day Pregnant.

For those of you who don't "understand"...normally doctors and women do not know the exact day they conceive so, they can better pin point the first day of their last period. This would be considered the first day of my (hopefully) last period.

Anyway...on to day two!

Back in the saddle again....

We have a green light to start IVF on Saturday. Wow. Surreal.

My appointment was at 9 am yesterday. I ended up getting there at 9:50. Traffic was horrible...freezing fog + black ice = I430 Riverbridge closed & I40 backed up. It took me close to 1.5 hours to get there.

Heather called me back and we were just chatting while walking down the hall and as I passed the check out desk I saw a woman sitting down just so upset. Her face was red and puffy and she was still crying pretty hard. It BROKE BROKE my heart. I made eye contact but immediately had to look away and divert my attention...she must have had lost her baby and just found out. I don't know for sure but that was my observation. There isn't any real "news" that she would have found out in the office except if they couldn't find a heartbeat. All blood pregnancy test results would have been over the phone. Anyway...it was just hard to see.

I saw Dr. Moutus. The cyst was considerably smaller, not gone, but smaller! Yay! He said it was still there but it would not affect anything that we were about to do...THANK GOD! He checked the follicle count in each ovary...I have three in my left and seven in my right. So, we have 10 to work with. I asked if that was a low count and he said it was OK...because last time Dr. Batres told me that 5-10 follicles in EACH ovary was a good number and last time I started with 17 follicles. So, the number 10 freaked me out because we are starting out on the LOW end of average. I know that the follicle count was not in 3D so we can have more than that, but we need FOLLICLES!

Dr. Moutus said that we were probably good to go but had to wait on my bloodwork. My bloodwork came back fine so we are now officially good to go. I start shots on Saturday. They have changed up my protocol. I am on a different dose of Lupron...Lupron Microdose. I start that on Saturday (2 times a day) until further notice (probably nine days or so)...and then on Monday I add a nightly shot of Bravelle and Menopur. That is what I was on last time; however, they added a vial of Bravelle to my shot. I mix five vials of Bravelle and one vial of Menopur. The Bravelle will help produce many follicles and the Menopur will help mature the follicles. So they added that extra vial of Bravelle to help me get more follicles to work with.

Anyway...that is the latest. I am excited, scared and nervous.